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  hristmas
came early for me this year, when my editor handed me a press
packet and asked if I would be willing to comment on the "Holiday"
tree at the Carlsbad Company Stores outlet center. If I hadn't
known better I would have sworn there was a Santa Claus. Would
I like to comment on a large Christmas tree? Do elves jingle
when they walk?
 First,
let me say the press kit was an ode to pointless propaganda.
Since when did Christmas trees need 5 pages of spin? Or, in this
case, a "Giant Holiday Tree Fact Sheet." Second, I
think it is important to point out that this was not a holiday
tree. Truth in advertising dictates that we point out that dead
trees dressed up like a Vegas hooker is distinctly Christmas.
Personally, I have never heard of a Hanukkah, solstice, or Kwanzaa
tree.
According
to the Marketing Director for the outlet mall, the victimized
tree was a healthy 85 ft. tall white fir from Mt. Shasta in Northern
California. A white fir was used because it's sturdy branches
are less prone to "drooping" compared to other trees
that the could be used for seasonal idolatry.
Once the offending
tree is cut, a crane is secured to two locations of the dead
tree, which is then lowered onto a flatbed truck. The crane helps
to ensure that no damage is done to surrounding trees while protecting
against damage to the cut tree. As if cutting the tree in the
first place wasn't damaging enough.
Now, for those
of you who might be questioning if this is an environmentally
sustainable practice, the press kit assures us that it is. First
and foremost, it's important to note that this tree was never
part of a healthy ecosystem, as it was harvested from a private
timber plantation. According to the spin, killing the taller
trees eliminates much of the shade that inhibits undergrowth.
This allows the smaller trees to get the sunlight they need so
they will be large enough to butcher in subsequent years.
When the tree
first arrived in Carlsbad, it was placed into an off-public staging
area, where tree morticians did a final fluffing before viewing.
Adding insult to injury, the tree is pruned and additional branches
are added to fill it out. The entire tree was then sprayed with
a green flame retardant to keep the corpse fresh and fireproof.
The tree was then wedged into a 6-foot hole in the mall's center
court, and secured with steel cables.
Anita Boeker,
the marketing director for the Carlsbad Company Stores, is emphatic
that everyone know that this is a giant tree, the third largest
Christmas tree in America, to be exact. This is where the tree
envy comes in. I can just imagine Ms. Boeker and other mall employees
walking around bragging that, yes, in fact, her tree is bigger
than the one at Rockefeller center, the National Dead tree in
Washington, DC and the 58 foot dwarf currently dropping it's
needles at Disneyland. The press kit even provided a graph demonstrating
the scale of her merry member.
Not content
with the propaganda packet provided by the folks who put the
hit on the white fir in the first place, I came to the conclusion
that in the name of responsible journalism I had to experience
the tree up close and personal.
Approaching
the Christmas cadaver from the south, what immediately caught
my eye was the upturned, browning needles. Obviously, the green
fire retardant spray can only mask so much death. From thirty
yards away I could tell this tree hadn't received any water for
at least a month. No amount of balls, bells and lights could
disguise the wasted biology posing as holiday cheer.
Beneath the
giant tree was a huge stack of huge presents hiding the base
of the tree and all the extension cords running up the trunk.
When investigating whether or not water was provided, I notice
the tree was place in the middle of what appeared to be an Aztec-like
design. Perfect for the seasonal sacrifice. Stepping back, I
also noticed that the tree was appropriately anchored to the
Gap, Donna Karan, Tommy Hilfiger and Calvin Klein. Truth in advertising
is always appreciated.
Leaving, I
began to notice artificial trees in the display windows, my favorite
being the two 7-foot artificial trees covered in artificial snow
at Banana Republic. Rather fitting for a season of hollow sentiment
and over consumption, if you ask me. 
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